Widowhood

Interesting thing about widow hood is the large emptiness that comes with it.

Over the years of attempting to perfect this new role that I have been given, I have learned that emptiness can’t be filled from the outside. That it must and can only be filled from the inside.

Along the way, people have asked me, “How do you do it?” “How do you get along so easily?” “You seem to take it in stride.” “You have adjusted so quickly, so well.”

It is because you and your husband were in the funeral business?

What is it that you know about this?

Here’s what I know about this; I have fallen down on this road countless times, so much so that I have the scars on my knees and hands to prove it.

The tears that I have shed are enough to fill a swimming pool. I have lost my cool, blown up, yelled, screamed, stomped my feet, thrown up, thrown things, and whaled so loudly I expected the neighbors to come running or call 911.

I have let down myself and my girls on numerous occasions.

I have woken up some mornings and actually complained to God for giving me another day.

But the one thing, the only thing that kept me, us, on course was prayer.

That’s right, I said prayer.

Now I am by no means a Bible scholar, and I am far from eloquent, I miss quote the Good Book constantly; I never can find the scripture/verse that I am looking for.

But every morning after Johnnie died I would show up with my coffee and Bible and talk to God, some mornings I would do all the talking, others mornings He would do the talking. There were a lot of mornings that I would sit there say His name and cry, that’s it just cry.

But I always showed up and as promised, He was always waiting for me.

He was waiting to help me fill the large empty hole, and slowly, carefully, He did.

Looking back, (you know hindsight is 20/20), it was a journey I wouldn’t have traded for anything.

I know that sounds crazy; after all over the last 6 and ½ years, I have lost my dog, my husband, my mother, and my career. For a while, I was starting to think my middle name was Job.

But if God came down and said, ’Dee would you like me to put it all back for you the way it was’? I would honestly say, Thank you, but no. I think we are good.”

I say that because of the way we have healed, the way that He has healed us, oh we aren’t through….we have some more work to do. But we are good and we will only get better.

And my girls have been blessed with an amazing, character, fortitude, strength, filled with grace and mercy. They understand the meaning of life, what is important, what really matters. I believe they would have never had that if the events hadn’t gone the way that they did.

As for me…..well, I always understood the gift of life, after all I am a funeral director. But my faith became stronger, my trust and friendship with Him grew to new heights, my heart wasn’t harden by the events or filled with hate, it is filled with love. The hole is closing and I am Bless.

So to answer the question asked of me, “How did I, how do I, do widowhood so well?”

Prayer.